Be Conflicted
by thus.strangely
Summary: Your name is Karkat Vantas, and you've never hated your fickle heart more than you have recently.
1. Chapter 1

It was a regular summer's day, the air hot and sticky due to the typical Virginia humidity.

The suffocating atmosphere plastered Karkat's snowy mop to his scalp under his baseball cap, and despite his off-brand Ray Bans, the sun still scorched his retinas as he drove down the backroads. He could feel his clothes clinging to him from the humidity, the wheezing AC of his ancient Cutlass not doing much to help cool him down. Karkat thought this aggressively cheerful weather was very unfair considering what he was about to do. It would be more appropriate, expected even, for it to be raining a light drizzle at the very least, and the sun should have been nowhere in sight. The good weather just made him feel even guiltier than he already did. He knew that Gamzee would already be off at some park or with Tavros if it weren't for the text he'd sent him earlier that morning. Karkat had been pretty vague about it, just asking him if they could talk. The clown hadn't even asked any questions, sending a simple "yEaH, bRo" back in the strange, lilting way he had of typing.

Karkat leaned forward, switching the station for the fourteenth time since he'd begun driving. It seemed as though even the radio was out to get him, the albino having heard nothing but songs that made guilty on the half hour drive to Gamzee's. "Forever and Always", "Dance Floor Anthem", "I Will Follow You Into the Dark", Karkat could have sworn he even heard "Achy Breaky Heart" on what was supposed to be a hard rock station. He heaved a sigh through his nose, shoving the cassette converter into its slot before hooking his phone to it and setting it to shuffle. The boy left it alone after that, trying to be responsible as his eyes flicked quickly back to the road. He corrected a small error he'd made, shifting back into his lane with another, smaller, sigh. This wasn't really fair to anyone. He sank back into his seat, trying to think back to where it had all gone wrong. Karkat was a little upset with himself as his mind immediately went back to the beginning of it all.

It was just a few months ago, the pair relaxing on Karkat's couch after a particularly long day of school. Gamzee's head was in the shorter boy's lap, something meaningless playing on the TV set as the clown rambled on. Karkat hadn't been paying much attention, his fingers running through his friend's inky hair with one hand as his other held a book up to his nose. He didn't look up as he heard Gamzee say his name, humming absentmindedly in response.

"Bro, would you all up and be my boyfriend?" Gamzee asked dreamily, looking up at Karkat.

"I'm hard to impress, Gamzee. You'd need to be accompanied by a children's choir singing When Doves Cry with Prince himself present before I could even consider such a question," the shorter boy answered with a snort, fixing his reading glasses as he turned the page.

There were a few minutes of silence in which Gamzee wiggled around so much that Karkat almost shoved him off the couch, his nose stuck in his book the entire time. He frowned as he heard something strange, thinking about setting his book down at the sound of singing.

"What're you doing?"

"I couldn't get a hold of Prince, and all I could find was a boy band singing "Escape" by Rupert Holmes, but Karkat, will you be my boyfriend?" The clown asked again, his eyes glued to the ceiling with a lazy grin.

"Sure, Gamzee," he answered with a little laugh, thinking his friend was kidding.

Karkat would soon realize that his friend was indeed not joking, feeling incredibly bad about what he'd assumed and his response to it. He'd debated telling Gamzee the truth at first, but after a while, the albino had convinced himself that he was actually kind of enjoying the shift in their relationship. It was nice to go to the movies with someone other than his friends, and it made a lot of his really confusing thoughts about the clown make so much more sense. After a week, Karkat was so foolishly infatuated that he'd forgotten all about his earlier regret for his decisions. It was almost two months before the Honeymoon period ended and all the little things his boyfriend did were really starting to bother him. The way Gamzee never brought him back anything from his trips to the beach, the way Gamzee didn't really touch him anymore, the way Gamzee refused to admit that there was even the possibility of a fight when Karkat was angry, the way Gamzee took his friends' sides more frequently than he took Karkat's. All of the things that had only bothered him a little bit before had turned into monumental flaws that Karkat couldn't look past.

However, Karkat could handle it. He could handle the time Gamzee was sober and had looked at him and said "I can't handle this" when Karkat was crying, he could handle Gamzee's accidental insensitivity, he could handle Gamzee's emotional constipation, he could even handle the fact that Gamzee had forgotten all five of their anniversaries regardless of the fact that Karkat had bought him a gift for each one. The one thing Karkat could not handle, his breaking point, was Tavros. The Filipino in the grade below them was the bane of Karkat's miserable existence. There wasn't anything really wrong with him, but when it came to Gamzee, Tavros had always made Karkat feel threatened. He was just too nice, and it drove the albino absolutely insane. He could handle the younger boy in doses, but when Gamzee had made him spend the entire Fourth of July weekend with him, Karkat had almost strangled his boyfriend. Things hadn't been the same after that, and it had been mostly Karkat's fault. They fought more often, albeit passive-aggressively, Gamzee had stopped paying for Karkat on dates, and both of them complained about the distance they had to drive home after hanging out at each other's houses.

If Karkat had been in the right state of mind, he could have easily waited for this storm to pass. However, due to the state of chaos both his mind and his life were consistently in, Tavros had been the straw to break his back. However, Karkat couldn't help but be conflicted about his decision to end things with his boyfriend. He was worried about the repercussions. He didn't want to lose Gamzee as a friend, and he didn't want to hurt his feelings. Karkat also couldn't help but remember all of the best parts about dating Gamzee and how happy he'd been in the beginning. He knew he was grasping at straws by this point, he simply hadn't wanted to admit it to himself. He snapped out of his thoughts as the first chord to Hallelujah came through his speakers, feeling tears spring to his eyes as he felt even guiltier than he had before. He pulled into the parking lot of an abandoned youth group, putting his car in park as he let his forehead fall with a thump against the steering wheel. Karkat hadn't been entirely honest with himself about his true breaking point. Fourth of July had been a hard time indeed, but things had really gone south when Karkat had gotten a job at the movie theatre at the beginning of August.

He hadn't known anyone working there when he'd first started, but there was a kid he'd recognized from his Senior year physics class. Karkat had mostly stuck to himself, wearing contacts when he didn't have to check the theatres so that he didn't "scare the customers". He hated it, but the albino needed the money. After a week or two he couldn't help but notice the strange blond from his class. He still wore his ridiculous sunglasses, his hair was still perfect, and he was every bit as attractive as Karkat remembered him to be. Karkat was careful, though. He made sure to never be alone with the guy-Dave, according to the nametag he wore pinned to his shirt-but he couldn't avoid him for long. The albino's car had been in the shop for almost a week, his father too busy to come pick him up, his brother too annoying, and Gamzee had had some lame excuse that Karkat couldn't be bothered to remember. All of this considered, the only option was for Karkat to put a request in the employee group chat for a ride to and from work. Dave had been the first, and only, to answer.

To say Karat had been anxious about this arrangement would have been the understatement of the year. The albino was undeniably attracted to his coworker, and he knew that Gamzee would lose his crap if he were to understand the circumstances. Then again, with how things had been going, maybe he wouldn't have cared at all. Maybe he would have been relieved to get rid of Karkat. The thoughts were upsetting, but oddly comforting at the same time. By employing just one of his many self destructive habits, it hadn't been hard at all for the albino to distance himself emotionally and mentally from the situation as he sensed this impending separation. Even with the storm brewing in his brain, Karkat somehow found the rides to and from work to actually be pretty enjoyable. He had little in common with his coworker, but Dave said stupid things that made him laugh, let Karkat DJ even though he complained about the albino's taste in music, flirted shamelessly and constantly, and didn't get mad when Karkat argued with him. It had felt innocent enough getting to know Dave. It had even been fun, up until three days ago.

Karkat shut his eyes as he thought about it, hating himself silently. It had been a particularly bad day, and the albino was very quiet as Dave took him home that night. He'd gotten into a heated argument with Gamzee just before clocking in, had worked yet another closing shift, and was quite upset about the entire situation and his life in general. Dave had put up with the silence for a while before pulling into the parking lot of Walmart and stopping the car to look at him.

"What's wrong, Kitkat?" he demanded more than he asked.

Karkat grumbled in response, turning his head to look out the window in favor of the blond seeing him cry. He wasn't expecting Dave to reach across the seat and unplug his phone from the aux, but didn't argue as the taller boy connected his own. He looked up as Hallelujah began to play through the speakers, frowning as Dave turned it up as high as it could go, unlocked the doors, and got out of the car. He was more than confused as the blond opened his own door, unbuckled him, and held out a hand to pull him up. The albino surprised himself when he took it, letting Dave lead him out of the car and settle his free hand on Karkat's waist.

"What are you doing?" Karkat asked through a sigh, tired of all the games the blond had been putting him through.

"Shut up and dance with me, Karkitty," he teased.

The albino did just that, laying his other hand on the blond's shoulder and letting himself be led. He wasn't sure how he got there, but by the end of the song Karkat was pressed against the blond, his head on his shoulder. Both of Dave's arms had moved to wrap around his waist, and Karkat was more than confused by what he was feeling.

"Karkat?" Dave said softly.

He looked up quickly, more out of shock that the blond had used his real name than anything else. The next thing Karkat knew, Dave was leaning in and Karkat let him-no.

Karkat's brain launched him back into the present he refocused on the parking lot in front of him. The albino sat back as he noticed just how shaky his breathing was. He couldn't think about this right now. Dave needed to be the last thing on his mind while he talked to Gamzee. He hadn't realized he was crying until he looked in his rearview mirror, able to see the tear tracks easily then. Karkat chuckled nervously as he turned off his music entirely. He was determined not to get distracted as he drove the rest of the way to Gamzee's, a monster made of doubt eating him from the inside out the entire way. He felt the need to vomit as he pulled into his usual spot across the road from Gamzee's, sitting quietly in his car as he looked towards the house.

Taking a deep breath, the albino pushed his door open before letting his feet hit the asphalt.


	2. Chapter 2

The conversation had been awkward for approximately two seconds before it turned nasty. Gamzee, still in the dark as to what Karkat wanted to talk about, could see his boyfriend was nervous despite the pot induced haze that clouded his cognitive reasoning. Karkat was far too fidgety for this to be anything pleasant, and the fact that he had made no move to come inside when Gamzee answered the door did not send off good vibes. It didn't take long after Karkat began talking for Gamzee to figure out the albino's endgame, and when it did dawn on him, the easy smile he held turned quickly to a dead stare as he came crashing down from his high. He decided to leave Karkat on the hook as retribution for the ripping feeling in his chest, the taller boy watching with quiet resignation as his boyfriend stuttered and paused to gauge Gamzee's reactions. The clown would give him no satisfaction, however, his face a blank slate as he listened. He didn't speak until he was physically unable to bear it any longer, his eyes cold as he interrupted Karkat.

"If you're all up and tryin' to dump me, just say it, brother. It shouldn't be that hard for you," Gamzee accused softly, his tone sour.

Karkat shut his mouth immediately, just as hurt as he would have been if Gamzee had struck him. He felt his lip quiver before he could stop it, hating himself as he felt the tears begin to pool in his eyes. This wasn't how he'd wanted the conversation to go, but the little voice in the back of his head reminded him that this was how he knew it would end up all along.

"That's not fair, and you know it," the albino hissed back at him when he finally found his voice, fighting back a hiccup as he tried to keep a handle on his emotions.

Karkat couldn't keep the tears at bay as he looked at his boyfriend, finding nothing there but a stone wall as he shifted his weight and licked his lips nervously. He hated this. He hated himself more. If Karkat were ever so lucky as to stumble across a time machine, he'd go back and change it all. He'd never say yes, he'd never let things go this far, and he'd never hurt Gamzee. At this rate, Karkat would be lucky if the taller boy ever spoke to him again. He let himself take a good look at Gamzee while he still could, the albino unsure when he'd see his friend again. He started with his inky snarls before quickly working his way down, unable to tell how much time the taller boy would give him to do so.

The Brazilian had been blessed with fantastic genetics to say the very least. His father being a handsome, albeit absent, man, it was no wonder Gamzee was as compelling as he was. Though he'd never met her, Karkat knew from the one picture he'd seen of her that Gamzee's mother had been a very beautiful woman. Her son took after her more than his father, holding the same heart shaped face and gorgeous smile that had made many men fall in love with her. Karkat noticed with a pang that Gamzee hadn't applied his paint yet, his natural face being one of the albino's favorite sides of him. He let out a little sigh as Gamzee remained silent, letting his eyes flit up to lock with the clown's. The bearer of a rare genetic mutation on his father's side, Gamzee's eyes were a remarkable shade of indigo. It had once been Karkat's favorite color. They were icy now, giving the shorter boy the strength he needed to finish what he started.

"Yeah," he finally pushed out, unashamed of the tears that continued to leak from his eyes. "Yeah, I want to break up. We're just hurting each other at this point."

"Whatever, Karbro."

Karkat wasn't surprised when the clown slammed the door on him, but the knowledge didn't do anything to make him feel better. It wasn't until then that he truly broke, the albino stumbling back to his car before dragging himself in and shutting the door. He neglected the aux cord on the seat, dialing Dave's contact in his phone as he buckled up and started his car. Karkat pulled out of Gamzee's neighborhood without so much as a second glance, hearing someone answer after the third ring.

"Yo?"

It was staticy and it was terrible quality, but it was definitely Dave.

"Strider? It's Karkat. I've got a lot I need to talk about with you," Karkat hiccuped into the receiver.

"Kitkat? You alright? What's wrong?"

The flurry of questions surprised Karkat to say the least, but at the same time, they filled the albino's stomach with butterflies. He couldn't say if this would all be worth it, but Dave had kissed him the other night, and Karkat had kissed him back. There was no way that that was nothing. It wasn't a fluke. Dave had been sending him signals for weeks, and Karkat was ready to answer them.

"Karkitty?"

It was Dave again, more anxious now at the silence that had answered him. The albino felt bad almost instantaneously, swallowing before answering him.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I'm okay," Karkat answered quietly, already feeling much calmer in the short time he'd been talking to Dave.

"Why do you sound not okay?" came the blond's next question./

Karkat shook his head, rubbing his eyes as he stopped for a red light. He didn't want to talk about this. All he wanted to do was see Strider, confess his pitiful feelings, and curl up on the couch with him. Everything would be okay by the end of the day. He'd be with Dave, and the horrible beast using his ribcage as a xylophone would finally take a break.

"I just broke up with Gamzee. He didn't take it well. I'm just kind of upset. Can you meet me somewhere?" he asked, looking both ways before making a right hand turn.

Karkat frowned as it was his turn to be greeted with silence, feeling an uneasy pit begin to form in his stomach once more.

"Hello?" the albino asked softly.

"Broke up with Gamzee?" Dave finally got out, not giving Karkat a chance to answer. "As in you were _dating_ Gamzee? As in Gamzee wasn't just a _friend_?" Karkat could feel his heart rate pick up as he listened to Dave, not failing to notice how angry he sounded.

"Of course not. I told you that."

"You definitely did _not_ " Dave practically growled.

It was Karkat's turn to get angry then, the albino's cheeks flushing a deep shade of crimson as he argued back.

"I _did_ , you jerk. I told you everything!"

"No, you didn't. I wouldn't have kissed you if I'd known you had a boyfriend. I wouldn't have done any of that if I'd know you had a boyfriend. You've made a complete ass out of me, Karkat. I'm really pissed at you right now."

The albino cringed as Dave opted to use his real name in place of one of his stupid nicknames, but before he could even open his mouth to explain himself, the blond continued his rampage.

"What am I to you anyway? Some kind of _rebound_? Because if that was your plan, I gotta let you know right now that Striders aren't _anyone's_ rebound. I thought you actually liked me, Karkat. I thought we had a real thing going, but now that I know what's really going on here, I can see that all that was bullshit. You're full of shit, Vantas."

Karkat wanted to justify his actions, to explain things calmly, but he couldn't help the ire that he spoke with as he responded to the blond's anger the only way he'd been taught how.

"Oh, I'm sorry, did I _hurt your ego_?" Karkat sneered into the receiver, too fired up to reign himself in. "Because last I checked, _you never asked_ whether I had a boyfriend or not! I most certainly did tell you about Gamzee, you insufferable _douche_ , because if I remember correctly, you forced it out if me during those stupid feelings jams we had in the car on the way home every day! I told you about Gamzee, I told you about Kankri, I told you about the shit that went down with my parents-I told you _everything_ , so don't come at me with this fake shit like I _tricked you_ , Strider. I've been upfront with you about every. Damn. thing. You're the one who assumed I was single and made an ass of yourself, douche face, so don't blame me just because you're a bad listener!"

He took a ragged breath as he finished his tirade, hitting the steering wheel with his fist as his anger continued to fester in his chest.

"Don't call me anymore."

Those were the last words Dave had said to him before the hollow beeps of an ended call filled the speaker of the albino's phone. Feeling defeated in more ways than one, Karkat drove home in silence before dragging himself upstairs to his room. The exact opposite of the triumphant return he'd visualized, he shut himself away in there for several days, only leaving to use the bathroom or eat on the two occasions he was actually hungry. The pebble gray walls of his self-made prison filled the space with a dreary atmosphere that only contributed to the albino's ever worsening mindset. The curtains remained drawn, the doors shut tight, and Karkat in his bed. Sollux had left him three voicemails, John seven, and Terezi took home the gold with a whopping twenty three. Over half of them had been thinly veiled threats as to what she'd do if Karkat didn't pick up the phone, but the albino didn't want to talk. He didn't want to do anything. He'd cried until he couldn't anymore the first day, stared blankly at his laptop the second day, spent the third "watching" movies, and had saved the fourth for absolutely nothing at all.

He hadn't showered since the morning he'd gone to Gamzee's, finding no need to as the only trips he made were to the bathroom or the kitchen. His room was dark, the lights left off as Karkat laid prone in his bed. He'd shut his brain off as his eyes stared vacantly at the ceiling. The albino had cocooned himself in his graphite duvet, more than content to stay there until he shrivelled up and faded away. It seemed that he would not be allowed such comfort, however, the door to his room bursting open half way through the fourth day.

"Karkles!" came an excited scream that could only belong to one person. No one else would dare interrupt his self-inflicted solitude.

Terezi shoved her way into the room, ignoring the piles of clothes on the floor. She pushed her auburn bangs back away from her face as she crawled into Karkat's bed with him, managing to heave herself over the small mountain he'd formed on the bed with his blanket burrito. She shoved him off the mattress soon after, effectively pulling a yell from the boy. It was the first sound he'd made in days, and it hurt the albino's throat to do it. He grumbled from where he lay on the floor, glaring daggers at the girl on the bed in front of him. She was a sight for sore eyes once the albino had let his anger go, his eyes taking her in too quickly for his brain to catch up- a mistake he'd always made.

Her impossibly tangled hair hung down to her shoulders that day, a bright turquoise headband keeping most of it from falling into her face. Her red lensed glasses perched precariously on the bridge of her nose, leaving Karkat to wonder where Terezi'd ditched her cane as he let his head swivel about. Moving a bit to the left, he found it poking uncomfortably into his side. Karkat shook his head with a soft curse as he turned his attention back to her. Her sharp, yet innocent features made her look a bit like a fairy, but the albino knew better than to think that. Though his best friend was adorable, her behavior rivaled that of a Gremlin fed after midnight. She was a walking fashion disaster as well, and Karkat could tell immediately that she had dressed herself that day. A neon green shirt was paired with a pair of cherry red pants, the combo topped with Terezi's matching yellow galoshes and raincoat. He failed to understand why she'd worn it in the absence of rain, but Karkat knew better than to ask any questions. He seemed to snap out of his thoughts a moment later, noticing she had been staring him down.

"The hell do you want?" the albino finally asked.

"You've been ignoring me, so I came to make a house call," Terezi answered through a fit of giggles, smelling his sheets. They were red, the girl's favorite color, and the only bright spot in Karkat's otherwise depression domain. "Karkles, this is disgusting. You need to pull yourself together."

A begrudging Karkat had to admit to himself that Terezi's rasping voice was like music to his ears as he shut his eyes and took the situation in. It was much easier to ignore her when she was only calling every five minutes. She'd had the right train of thought though; now that she was here, it would be much harder to get rid of her. He opened his eyes a moment later just to reassure himself that this wasn't some kind of lonely delusion, that Terezi was indeed still there. He had been right the first time, though. She gave him a grin, and, despite the fact that Karkat knew it was impossible, he would have sworn she was looking right at him. The two had been god siblings from birth, Karkat's father having been good friends with Terezi's mother back in college. Terezi was diagnosed with retinitis pigmentosa when she was three, but it wasn't until she and Karkat had hit the eighth grade that she lost her sight completely. If the two had been close before, they were inseparable once Terezi had gone blind. Karkat stuck up for Terezi when people made fun of her, and Terezi would fight them off when they kicked Karkat's butt. They were a team, that was how it had always been. That was, until Karkat began dating Gamzee.

Terezi had thought it was a terrible idea from the start. She'd known both boys as long as they'd known each other, and she could tell almost instantaneously that their relationship wouldn't last. If she were honest, she didn't think Gamzee was good enough for her Karkat. Then again, she didn't think anyone was good enough for her Karkat. She hadn't seen the albino in almost two months when she'd gotten the call from her very worried godfather that Karkat wasn't doing so well. It didn't take her long to put the pieces together, and it took even less time for her to find a way to Karkat's door. She had decided long before then that it would always be her mission to cheer up her friend. No matter what.

"Earth to Terezi, come in."

The words derailed her train of thought instantly, the girl turning her head toward the sound of his voice.

"Did you say something, Karkles?" she asked innocently, figuring that she'd just missed out on a good bit of monologuing from her friend.

"You didn't hear a damn thing I said," Karkat answered with a bark of laughter. "What'd you come here for?"

"You know as well as I do what I came here for. Now, c'mere. I haven't seen you in too long."

Karkat grumbled as he followed her instructions, crawling back onto the bed to sit next to her. He guided Terezi's hands to lay her fingertips against his cheeks, the girl slowly feeling her way around his face. The pair had begun this tradition when they were young. Terezi had always suspected that her sight would not last, and so she'd spent months connecting the feeling of Karkat's face with the image that she saw with her eyes. Even before she'd gone permanently blind, this was Terezi's preferred method of "seeing" her best friend. She nodded her satisfaction a moment later, releasing Karkat to sit cross legged as she turned her body to face him.

"In desperate need of a shower, but otherwise still Karkles," she said with a cackle, leaning back on her palms. "Now, pull out your phone. We're going to have some fun today whether you like it or not."


End file.
